(Please note this is a satire)
A brief summary of everything that's been fixed.
Much to the amazement of doom-and-gloomers, everything's been fixed and as a result, everything's great. The list is impressive: China: fixed. Japan: fixed. Europe: fixed. U.S. healthcare: fixed. Africa: fixed. Mideast: well, not fixed, but no worse than a month ago, and that qualifies as fixed.
Let's scroll through a brief summary of everything that's been fixed.
1. China's economy. It was slowing down, which would have been bad for the global economy. But the recent PMI (preliminary made-up indicator) readings have been the strongest since the Great Leap Forward.
The basic story here is China needs a million more of everything: a million more concrete highrises, a million more airports, a million more miles of highway, and so on. And because there are 200 million rural peasants anxious to open nail shops in all those empty ghost cities, there is no end to growth in China.
And thanks to central banking and a wide-open spigot of credit, there's also a million times more leverage and debt in China. It's a perpetual growth machine.
There are growth stories on top of growth stories in China. There are 300 million diabetics and pre-diabetics in China right now--the equivalent of the U.S. population. Think of all the growth possibilities for diabetes clinics in those ghost cities. All the owners of those nail shops and diabetes clinics will be getting so rich, Goldman Sachs will be needed to sell them safe investments like Detroit Muni Bonds.
2. Japan'a Abenomics has worked, and Japan is back. Need proof? Just look at the Japanese stock market: it's up. What more do you need? Hello Kitty is expanding its market share of the global Cute market--yee-hah!--and the 2020 Olympics will be a growth story for seven years--a Biblical cornucopia of growth, growth, growth.
3. Europe is on the mend. European stocks are at 5-year highs--proof everything's fixed. Greece's budget is near surplus (if you exclude interest payments on their debt), and there's light at the end of the tunnel on Europe's debt crisis. The fix is LTRO (long-term ripoff operation)--basically another perpetual growth machine funded by free money issued by the European Central Bank. Can't pay your debts? No problem, just borrow more!
It won't take more than a couple trillion euros to set things right and get things moving.
Sure, unemployment in some countries is 25% (or is it 40%? hard to be sure), but that's stabilized, and there are sure to be more jobs for waiters/waitresses as tourism works its growth magic.
4. The U.S. healthcare system is fixed, thanks to ObamaCare. I can't understand the details, of course, but then neither can anybody else, and that's the beauty of it: there's a practically unlimited demand for people who know how all this works. Job growth will be through the roof.
Here's a summary of how ObamaCare works. There's three levels, kind of like a credit card: silver, gold and platinum. Silver is like your current lousy plan, only the government will give you $167 if your plan costs more than $10,000 (or maybe it's $1,670--nobody knows).
The Gold level is much better, similar to gold-plated healthcare plans enjoyed by government workers, but it costs a lot more. Platinum is equivalent to what everyone in other advanced democracies gets from national healthcare, only it costs twice as much here in the U.S.
But hey, you get what you pay for, and that's why the U.S. healthcare system is the best in the world--we spend twice as much per person as anyone else.
If you refuse to get insurance, the government penalizes you $167--or maybe it's $1,670. Nobody really knows yet because there are thousands of pages of fine print to sort out.
5. America has its own perpetual money machine to fuel growth. The Federal Reserve creates money and then buys Treasury bonds. The Federal government sells the bonds and uses the cash (just created by the Fed) to pay for everything: $300 million a piece F-35 fighters, 47 million Food Stamp SNAP vouchers, bridges to nowhere, tax breaks for billionaires, you name it.
And here's the beauty of it: there's no limit to this money machine. The Fed can print a gazillion dollars and buy a gazillion dollars of Treasury bonds so the government can spend a gazillion dollars. There is no consequence of this, it can go on forever. That means we can borrow as much money as we want to buy everything we want, forever.
So you see, everything's fixed, because everybody that can create their own money can do so without limit or consequence. It's a perpetual money machine, and that fuels a perpetual growth machine. No limits on credit and debt means no limit on spending. Free money for everyone and everything--it's unbelievably easy.
Doom and gloomers have been wrong, just like Paul Krugman said. The solution to every problem is at hand: create more money and credit, in ever larger sums, until a tsunami of cash washes away all difficulties.
Please note this is a satire.
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